Hollywood's decline might be an urban myth. Let's prove it anyway

I'd like to believe there's a crisis in Hollywood, just because. Roger Ebert says the crisis is an urban myth.

"...that has been tiresomely created by news media recycling one another. By mid-December, according to the Hollywood Reporter, receipts were down between 4 percent and 5 percent from 2004, a record year when the totals were boosted by Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ," which grossed $370 million. Many of those tickets were sold to people who rarely go to the movies. 2005 will eventually be the second or third best year in box-office history. Industry analyst David Poland at moviecitynews.com has been consistently right about this non-story."

Hard to argue with his appraisal. If however, there is a crisis, it seems like some of it may be related to the relative freedom of its star actors and directors.

As a father of teenage girls, I'm at least vaguely aware of what's likely to put them in a theater seat. Let's start with Orlando Bloom who caused girlish giggles around the world in his turn as Legolas in the Lord of The Rings trilogy. He came off of those films ready to be a star and was even banking on his sword and sandal resume by starring in "Troy" with Brad Pitt. So what's the best way to market two of the prettiest male stars in the world to the "all-important" teenage demographic? Of course. Put them in an R-rated movie that suburban parents will not willingly allow their 14-year old daughters to see. The old studio system would have never allowed this bone-headed move.

Next let's put Orlando as the lead in ANOTHER R-rated (and dull, although I thought Bloom was very good) sword and sandal epic "Kingdom of Heaven". Finally, now that he's 29 and almost past his expiration date as a teen star, we'll pair him with Kirsten Dunst in the teen-friendly romance he should have made two years ago. His only career moves now are to take over Hugh Grant's honorary simpering light comedy roles or grow some wrinkles fast and start taking "heavy" roles.

How about Jake Gyllenhaal. He was well-known for almost being Spider-Man and for the cult favorite "Donnie Darko" and even got good reviews in the god-awful "Day After Tomorrow". What's next? Of course, gay sheep herder. Would a studio boss allow this?

Mickey Kaus (spoiler alert) says Gyllenhaal is the problem with the movie.

That big Oscar nomination would be for Brokeback Mountain--which would be perverse because Gyllenhaal's the fatal problem with the movie. He doesn't seem to have any particular appealing quality that would cause Heath Ledger to carry a torch for him for decades. Gyllenhaal's early-on attempts to charmingly romp in the wilderness fall flat--it wasn't just Meghan Daum's date who was checking his watch in the first half of the film--and in the second half of the film he starts to whine. Big love for Gyllenhaal is supposed to be the motor that drives the movie, but the motor doesn't turn. The film only comes alive when Gyllenaal is dead, and we're left with Heath Ledger in his trailer. ...

Maybe. Could be that the best possible movie about sheepherders (The Sundowners) has already been made. Could be that a pretty good chick flick about granite-jawed silent types touched by tragedy (The Horse Whisperer) has already been made.